XEX MAGNico Tortorella, at first glance, is perhaps not the person one would immediately think of when considering terms like “gender non- conforming,” “sexually fluid” and “polyamory.” Best known for their current role on the TV Land comedy/drama Younger, the conventionally attractive, white, cis-passing actor, writer and podcast host (who prefers “they/them” pronouns), could easily appear as the typical Hollywood leading man, with all the preconceptions around gender and sexuality attached to that identity. For any performer in the film and television industry still in the fairly early stages of their career to so openly embrace an identity that flouts common gender and sexual stereotypes is still a rarity. With a recent series like Pose still breaking barriers for trans performers and helping to showcase and normalize trans identity, gender non-conforming individuals are still much a mystery to mainstream American culture. Sexual fluidity and non-monogamous couplings and relationships are gaining more popularity and understanding in our mainstream cultural discourse, but are still widely misunderstood, mischaracterized and encounter resistance.
And yet Nico is perhaps part of a new generation of performers who refuse to conform to the rigidly boxed identities their chosen careers as actors so often create, reiterate and perpetuate. By adamantly insisting that the roles they play are not indicative of who they are as an individual, Nico is pushing back against the carefully crafted, public relations approved personas so many performers are told is necessary to have successful, viable careers in entertainment. That being said, the fact that they do possess the aesthetic physical qualities we read as cis-masculine, attractive, etc. has made Nico aware of the privileges those qualities bestow in our society, aware of emotional and mental consequences of the disconnect between how a body can present to the world an identity that is much different than how an individual perceives themselves on the inside, and has encouraged them to continue to learn and seek out education on LGBTQ+ issues to make sure marginalized voices are elevated.
With the public and media scrutiny celebrity brings, Nico has found themself asked fairly regularly to elaborate on what our society considers their unconventional identity, relationship and sexuality. Some of that interest is no doubt due to the fact that cis-masculine presenting, white, and potentially “straight passing” men still dominate the media’s representation of LGBTQ+ identities, and thus the body Nico happens to inhabit inadvertently thrust them to the forefront of this conversation in both popular straight and LGBTQ+ publications. And as the media’s interest in non-traditional relationships still largely veers toward the salacious, particular interest in the functionality of Nico’s relationship with their wife, Bethany Meyers (who identifies as queer), is a common thread in media profiles. The couple dated on and off for 12 years before marrying earlier this year in a simple ceremony where they both wore gender non-conforming outfits. The couple defines their relationship as polyamorous, a non-monogamous model in which individuals may maintain emotional and sexual relationships with multiple partners simultaneously. The two believe strongly in the importance of maintaining and exploring their individuality even as they’ve made an official (and legal) commitment to their relationship. Nico tends to be more interested in pontificating on love than on the sexual details of their relationships, yet again flouting the common misconception that non-monogamous relationships are really just an excuse to greedily sleep around with multiple partners, the proverbial “have your cake and eat it too.”
Nico’s podcast THE LOVE BOMB, has been a forum to address, educate, learn and communicate their journey to their current identity through poetry, interviews and conversations. In an industry where minority identities are mostly tokenized if depicted at all, performers who openly and publicly live in the margins of gender and sexuality are often asked to speak for a group, to represent their tribe. And as previously noted, even those representations of minority identities that are given space and visibility tend to fit into dominant categories like white, cis- passing, “straight acting,” etc. Nico has sought to use the podcast to amplify voices from the LGBTQ+ that are further marginalized than their own.
Photography Harol Baez
Styling Chad Groom and Llewellyn Jenkins for THE STYLEMONSTERS
Grooming Miyako Vilmar
Location Alibi Bar, Harlem New York
Interview Chris Cali
How did you come to the decision that you would publicly come out as LGBTQ+ and why? Did you encounter resistance to it? Were you encouraged not to be open about your identity?
I don’t believe I ever properly made the decision to “come out.” Come out of what exactly? My own head? I’ve been living in and out of this body for a very long time. People just started talking about it and writing articles when I started taking the conversation more seriously. And in terms of the encouragement to stay in, times have changed y’all. Once the state of the country bled orange, for me, “anything goes” is the resistance. The piece de resistance if you will.
Can you elaborate on your journey toward identifying as gender non-conforming and explain a little about how that identity functions for you?
Through my own exploration of the queer community at large, gender identity and expression has been a key to understanding it all. We are taught what is masculine, what is feminine, from a very young age. We are taught what is considered male, what is considered female. We are not taught however that sometimes, what you have on the inside doesn’t match what you have on the outside. We are not taught that roughly 1 in 2000 babies are born intersex, somewhere between biological male and female. So if what we are taught about gender isn’t correct, what does that mean for sexuality? If we weren’t taught “this is male, this is female” would gay and straight even exist? So in short, in my own journey today, GNC and non-binary labels transcend even the understanding of gender. And beyond. It’s next generation. And at this point I’m more interested in our abundance rather than our absence. Not this, not that beyond definition. Rather. This. That. All definition.
It is no secret that the patriarchy, the brute force of masculine energy, is the dominant force on this planet today. But that hasn’t always been the case. Thousands of years ago, the feminine reigned supreme. However, the feminine spirit is rising again. We are here.
But now the question remains: How do we listen to the feminine spirit and not reproduce the gender binary? How do we listen to the feminine spirit and not neglect trans and gender non-conforming people?
I say all this as a reminder. What is feminine is not defined by what is or isn’t between your legs.
I repeat. Despite what trans exclusionary feminists passing anti-trans legislations across the world and halting Pride marches have to say, What is deemed feminine is NOT defined by what is or isn’t between your legs.
The masculine is not the root of the problem, the gender binary is.
Queer and trans people, and especially people of color, are being bashed and murdered at higher rates than ever before. In 2017, 28 transgender people were killed in the United States. This is a conservative estimate because most of the times when trans or non-binary people are killed they are misgendered and never properly recorded so the actual number is way higher than that. This year, and its July, at least 14 have already been killed. Now these numbers may not seem that high but when Mathew Shephard – a white cis gay man — was killed the entire country banded together. And that’s just here in the United States. Overseas the numbers of transfeminine folk that are killed every year is uncountable. Unimaginable.
These numbers do not include the suicides. These numbers do not include the bashings. These numbers do not include the verbal abuse.
These numbers do not include the domestic violence These numbers do not include the cat calling. These numbers do not include economic violence.
These numbers do not include the rights being stripped away from the current administration. These numbers do not include sexual health and reproductive violence that is being committed by this administration.
These numbers do not include the violence cis women propel on trans folk every single day by simply excluding them from these conversations.
Queer rights, and trans rights, are inherently women’s rights. Hers rights. FEMININE RIGHTS.
The more we feed into the binary the more divided we become.
Our system is broken. Yes. Misogyny is real, yes. The patriarchy is real yes. The female struggle has been realer than the male struggle for eons yes! But the sooner we all band together. Women, men, and everyone in between to not fight this issue but correct the imbalance, the sooner we will have some love based social order in this world.
Have you experienced any perceived career backlash since you came out? Do you feel that the decision has impacted your career in terms of what roles you may be offered or expected to play?
I’m sure it has somewhere but I choose to focus on the doors it has opened rather than closed. And I demand my team rewire in the same way. Like this magazine feature for example. This is the nucleus of the entire community in my eyes. Queer POC culture has shaped mainstream media basically since the beginning of time. This opportunity would have never been given to me if I hadn’t let the girls out so to speak. We are here and bitch we’re staying.
How did you and your wife decide to be open to the public/media about being in a polyamorous relationship?
Again, I don’t think it was ever a cognitive decision. It just sort of unraveled organically as our relationship continued to blossom alongside our relationship with the public and it’s perception. When it made sense to us, this is who we are, we talked about it. The fact that there is zero visibility in the mainstream outside of Islam and polygamy I’m sure played a part in our enthusiasm as well. We still don’t have it figured all out, and we feel as if the more we talk about, the more we learn.
It was reported that your families didn’t react so positively to that information becoming public? Have your families fully accepted your identities and your relationship?
It’s always a work in progress. Isn’t everything? We both love our families, unconditionally, no matter what. At the end of the day, no one can fight happiness.
You’ve alluded to the privilege you perceive as having being cis- presenting, conventionally attractive and white. Given that those types of voices are so elevated even in LGBTQ+ media, do you feel an obligation to push back against that? Do you feel the desire to elevate voices of those whose gender presentations and physical attributes aren’t as easily palatable to a mainstream audience?
I remember the day my mom, my best friend in the whole world, called me after I wore a Christian Siriano gown to the GLAAD awards this past spring (mind you I am the first gender non-conforming human to ever wear one of his garments on a red carpet) Now my mom and I have had some real ragers over the last almost 30 years. That’s just sort of how our relationship as always been. Raw, emotional, passionate, very loud, very loved, very Italian. It doesn’t help that were both Leos. Or maybe it does. I digress.
She was obviously already worked up before the call. Probably played the family game of telephone with my aunt, uncle, and maybe brother to work herself up properly before the main event. When she finally got in the ring, I was already tired of her voice. I knew she was coming to fight. And I assume she was properly lubricated with some liquid courage. The punches started to fly. The standard back and forth. “I can deal with your sexuality but why must you always take it to the next level” “I’ve come such a long way, but this is too much for me” somehow she always makes it about her. And I held my ground. Until this. “Just fucking tell me, are you like Caitlin Jenner?” The queen in me LOL’d audibly and gasped “ (gasp) I mean…i’m not not!!!!” Then I remembered how problematic Ms. Jenner has been to the Trans community and my masculine brawn kicked in. “ARE YOU KIDDING ME” I went off Tyson style and metaphorically gnawed her hear straight through that telephone.
But I will give y’all the PCish version.
Mom… I am not transitioning at least not in the way fucking you think I am. (side note: we are ALL ALWAYS transitioning someway though am I right?) Mother!!!! Nor do I feel I am in the wrong body. My transness, my gender non-conformity is not like anyone else’s, it is mine. For so long I felt I was unworthy of a non-binary label because of what I looked like and what society expected of me. I repeat I am not in the wrong body; I am in the wrong world. A system built to keep us apart. A system built to keep us down, dormant. A system that tells me because I have a penis I am not allowed to be feminine. A system that demands I destroy every femme part of myself so I can adhere to the patriarchy and archaic rules bestowed upon me and my ancestors; by first the church, then the colonists (some of whom were most certainly my ancestors somewhere and for that I am sorry, I’m working through it), then the government, then the media, then my parents, then my teachers, then my peers, then Hollywood. Oh Hollywood. Mom. I do not wear a dress because I feel more comfortable; in fact that dress was insanely uncomfortable. The neck line and the corset, that cinch, the shoulder puffs, the slit, the unwelcome tuck, the “better make sure my nipples don’t show because hers are illegal but his are not!” mom I digress… I wear the dress as a form of protest. This is beyond my gender identity, this is political. I wear this dress because I can. Because of my platform, my celebrity, and what I look like I am celebrated in the press the next day while my friends are spit on and yelled at for wearing dresses on the street. I wear this dress to disrupt the system. I wear the dress for every kid out there who ever felt like their femme didn’t belong. For every kid that was contemplating suicide because they didn’t see a version of themselves in mainstream media. I wear this dress for myself second and EVERYONE else first. For everyone who screams “YES BITCH” and for everyone who screams “DIE FAGGOT”. And mom if you, my best friend in the whole world still don’t understand that after the hours and hours of queer conversation, and after all the success I have already had??!! That means that every mother in the entire world feels like this to some degree. There is obviously still so much work to be done. There is still SO MUCH MORE WORK TO BE DONE. And it ended with gratitude. Thank you mommy. This only makes me want to do more.
Can you talk about some of the guests who inspired you or moments from your podcast where you feel you learned about issues that really changed your perspective?
Every. Single. One. From Courtney Love to Shaun Ross to Hanne Odiele to Todrick Hall and every human I love in between. You’re going to have to get the next book, LOVE Y’ALL, for more on this one.
Aside from the podcast and the book of poetry you released, do you have ambitions for other projects that relate to LGBTQ+ identities or explore non-conforming lifestyles and individuals?
The sky is really the limit. As a polymath, I see the work I am doing in terms of identity weaving its way into everything I create. From poetry, to the narrative, to the novels, to the small screen and big screen, to the visual arts, music, spirituality, business philanthropy, and beyond.
How does fashion help to establish your sense of style and personality?
I’ve played dress up for as long as I can remember. Fashion is a way to project how I am feeling on the inside and to even contradict it depending on the day. There is no formula. I have never had a stylist sometimes to my detriment. But so what? I’m still a little kid playing dress up and make believe but just now for a larger audience. And for believe. Be live. Be life.
You recently made a major fashion statement on the 2018 MTV VMAs red carpet. How does fashion & style inform your activism?
I’ve come to the conclusion that the red carpet is a time for fuckery, fierceness, anarchy, and a sense of humility. You can’t take any of it too seriously and at the same time you have to for it to work.
The shoot took references from Adam Ant, Klaus Nomi and a few other androgynous and GNC pop culture icons. Were there any that stood out to you on you’re your life & style journey?
Bowie for sure. Elvis. Brad Pitt. Sinead. Warhol. My own friends like the gnc living icon Alok Vaid-Menon. Dennis Rodman my god. Religious Iconography. Medieval times. The Victorian age. Nature. The future. I pull inspiration from everywhere.
For 5 seasons you have played heartthrob Josh on TV Land. What are some of the biggest unexpected similarities and differences between you and the character?
My favorite thing about playing Josh, other than getting to make out with Sutton Foster and Hillary Duff has been the privilege that comes with it. Younger is on in 170+ different countries and I am known around the world as a super straight, super cis, super white bro. Which is so funny to me because that’s just my “male drag.” Nonetheless I know that in our world that is a privilege. It makes my activism, advocacy, and messaging on the LGBTQIAPK+ community that much more easily digestible. Whether we like it or not that is a privilege the system has allotted me. A privilege that got me the invite to be featured in this magazine here today. So thanks Josh, love you girl. Now I’m here and I’ve got some things to say.
It was recently announced that you have been U.S. version of Just Tattoo of Us along with tapped to host the Jersey Shore star Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi. What has the chemistry been like with you on set?
Oh. My. God. Nicole and I are spiritually connected and have been for lifetimes it seems. This is just this life’s iteration. The sibling comedy duo the world never knew it needed. I cant wait for y’all to see this show.
What else can we expect from you for the rest of 2018?
All of it.Is you.